In the past month I have really been going through some changes and probably a lot of people can see the difference in me. I have really been trying hard to change my old ways and make them into new ones. For the past month I’ve been going to a Bible Study with my best friend, Robin at her church and we are doing a search for the Woman’s Soul. Trying to find yourself and trying to figure out how you got hurt and how to heal your old wounds. This book that we’re reading “Captivating” is definitely reaching my heart. I was as a child pushed in to feeling like doing my best wasn’t my best and sometimes feeling like I was not wanted or loved. Now I know that’s really not true but for a young girl I did feel that way. I felt like no matter what I did it just wasn’t what they wanted to hear or see. I did dance as a child and I felt like that was my only way out of things because when I danced I knew I got the attention of my parents and especially my dad who was around but wasn’t all the time because he was providing for the family. It was the only thing he knew how to do. (Kind of reminds me of the movie, Nights in Rodanthe) Well I also was wounded in 2002 when a man took me for granted, almost hit me and did something to me that I still to this day don’t understand why he would do that to me. I never did anything to hurt him. Then there is the separation and preparing for divorce and I’m wounded by that feeling like I was never good enough. But I now know that that isn’t true.
Then for the past two day’s I have felt like something changed, like everyone was out to get me and not understanding why. I became unhappy for the first time in a while now and all I could do was cry. It was really hard because I knew that I had made such good success in the past year and now my world was turning upside down. Then it hit me last night and even my mom said the same thing. It is NOT me that is doing the wrong but it’s the devil attacking me and my soul. The devil does not want to see me happy, to see me beautiful and does not want me to do well. He wants to bring me down in every way that he can and I know that he has so far done so. But now since I know that it’s not me and it is the devil then I can fight the fight. I can live the word of the Lord and try and be happy. I’ve done so far and since doing the lesson last night and hearing it from my mom then I know it’s true. I know that my fight with the devil is a long life thing that even everyone has to go through but I can fight harder than I will ever know!!!
I felt I had to write this because so many people have seen such a change in me and the past two days I’ve been on edge. I feel better about myself today and I’m going to write another post later about a success and hurdle we crossed this morning. So until then…have a good day!